Wednesday, 11 May 2022

Coke Addict

 My response to addicts trying to quit:

The real addiction here is Coke. I love it. You love it. Your aunt Carole loves it. Who knew battery acid could taste so good?! I didn't! I can even use it to clean my tools! It's amazeballs! Have you tried it? It's like 10 herculean men picking you up, then body slamming your senses. And it used to contain real cocaine! How is this shit not flying off the shelves? Drink it. Love it. Accept your failed attempts to kick anything because this shit kicks back! In the junk! It's like a god-damned midget punching you in the groin telling you to get up! There's a world out there. No need to cry. Are you crying? Grab a Coke and feel the gut punch of yesterday today. It's Thursday for fuck's sake. Your late for work! Grab a coke and run your ass to work - Because this can has more calories than that McDonald's breakfast that you had to have two of. It's like a rocket in your pants! You can travel time! Fucking Time Travel! And still selling around 40 cents a can! That's cheaper than a stalk of celery. And who eats celery?! That's right no one. So open up a can time traveler and enjoy a Coke. *Not paid or endorsed by Coke and if I was I'd fucking rule time! Like riding dinosaurs and shit! Doesn't that sound Awesome? Because it. IS. Coke. Drink it.* 

Holy Roller

            It’s a funny thing sometimes how we wind up in the job or careers that we end up doing. Some people were born with a knowledge of what they want to do for a living - Like it was a gift from God himself who hath so provideth them this knowledge, A divine right. And for that, I have always envied those people as I have not (still not) or have ever been truly sure of what I was meant to do with this time occupied on Earth. I for one got into the trades because I was smart enough to realize that I needed something to build towards (even if I was unsure what that was) but still allowed me to enjoy my hobbies at the time of drinking till dawn with friends and chasing women. Some look to their parents for advice and end up following in their footsteps. I tried that. Getting kicked out of university ended my chances of doing what my father wanted me to as it interfered with my two favorite hobbies. Twenty years pass and three tickets later I have concluded: If I had the chance to do it all again, I would have been a lawyer…or a gynecologist. But one thing I knew for sure, was that I would not, could not, be what my mom wanted me to be: A priest. Yet I couldn’t help myself from wondering, what would it have been like had I did? I think it would probably go something like this:

First, I would like to start off by saying that I’d be terrible. Just the worst.

Probably the worst priest on Earth for vey different reasons.

All the Kids would be safe.

But not their moms…

Or grieving widows…

Tell the best priest jokes

Use terrible church puns

Cursing while giving sermons

Due to drinking all the holy wine

Getting drunk on holy wine

Running out of wine

Then turning water into wine

Start selling it on the side

Labeling it “Gifts from God”

Giving each bottle my blessing

Make a side profit

Pocket said side profit

Call it a “church donation”

Get idea to steal church donations

Confess my sins

To myself

Do it again

Make more profit

Decide to do confessions

Blackmail people from confession

Receive more “donations”

Ignore taxes because of church loophole

Spend said donations on hookers and blow

Confess my sins again

Relieve myself…

In the baptismal font

Decide to legalize cocaine through the church through another loophole

Become a priest kingpin

Setup community drug dealers

Call them my “disciples”

Get prostitution accepted among the masses

Confessionals now used for double duties

More donations

Launder money through church bingos and bake sales

Bribe high ranking officials, police, and politicians

Groom an army of followers

Break away from Catholicism

Create my own religion

Build church brothels in every city on Earth

Bring back polygamy and Prima Nocta

Achieve God like status

Take up smoking because…fuck it

Buy really big pointy hats


Looking at it all now I couldn’t become a priest,

the path in front of me is just too big 😉