Monday, 22 December 2014

Fruits vs Vegetables.

    In this garden of life we now live in, we tend not to stop and reflect upon certain issues that may or may not have any bearing on our lives. Like this question for starters - I had someone ask me about what fruit or vegetable am I? Being a meat eater I scoff at the organic and granola eaters of the world not because of their alternative lifestyle, but because they are usually a bunch of whiny, sandal wearing, stinking hippies. Or Gay. I haven't decided. But nevertheless the question remains and I reflect:
    To answer the question of which type I would be, based on pure manliness I would say banana. But I do eat carrots all the time, not that I am a rabbit, because I would be pretty huge and the only one of my kind at six foot one. But carrots are cheap (like $2 for a bag of carrots), And It gives me great night vision like a fox, but not a fox, because they eat rabbits, which I am not.
    So my answer would be pears. They are sweet, delicious, and ripe...but for only one day... before they quickly turn on you. And if you turn your head to look away, even for a moment, they ripen and mature past their prime, leaving you with a bitter taste in your mouth. Also, if you eat them before that time, you will get the same result. Wait a minute, screw them, pears are jerks, and that I am not.

    Peaches have some femininity about them, references to being a Georgia peach, or maybe even unlocking the hidden treasure between a females thighs that men desire. Come to think of it, you can exclude cherries, strawberries, raspberries (pretty much all berries) for the same reason. Although for us men, our manhood is referenced as twig and berries, but coconuts better suit this purpose. Or Kiwi's. No, not the nickname for the people of New Zealand, because a citizen of - I am not.  

    Melons in general will never be relieved of the comparison to the other part of female anatomy, which, by coincidence, happen to be my favorite fruits to eat. And just like the fruit, melons are just as nice, firm and round as their female counterparts. And if you surveyed a group of men regardless of race or age, I believe that all would agree. Even the homosexuals. Which I am not.

    Although speaking of homosexuals, they do refer to the group as "fruits." So due to this realization I would have to be a vegetable of sorts but which one? Romanesco sounds too exotic as well as Kohlrabi, Salsify, Sunchoke or even Artichoke for that matter. Kale is right out. That also goes for anything "leafy" like cabbage or lettuce including all sprouts. Nuts I'm allergic too so I'm definitely not that. I guess I would have to be the lonely potato. Don't be fooled, the potato makes some pretty cool things like vodka, fries, and chips, and the fact that their awesome! Like I am.