Thursday, 6 December 2018

A dog named Jesus

If I ever get a new dog, I would name him Jesus. The sign on my fence would then say: "Beware of Jesus" or "Repent! For Jesus is near!" and if I ever lost him I could wonder around asking people if they have found Jesus, Or if they do find Jesus ask him to speak! For those that think this is blasphemous just remember, you can't spell God without Dog....

Tuesday, 23 October 2018

Tales of a Maintenance Man #67

The mighty hunters gather around, bewildered and awe struck -
Staring at the autonomous beast before them, trying to awaken the colossus from his slumber.
Confusion sets in, ideas thrown around - What is it waiting for? What does it need?
They pickup the handheld HMI and a try to decipher the text before them,
A consensus is thus formed that they, no it! May need a higher being
to command it to come to life, and provide them their daily provisions.
Some say a offering of goods,
The extremists say a ritual sacrifice,
The liberals want to pull the plug and raise the taxes -

NAY! To all of you I say:
"Do not panic, your chieftain has arrived!"
I unlatch the door to the metal enclosure the locals have surrounded it,
And I point out those closest to me the crudely made sign telling them to:
"Get back! Danger may befall upon to all yee who enter here"
I step in and a rush of air expels around me and I yell to the one armed beast "EASY BIG FELLA!"
Slowly I approach it one step, then another before carefully stretching out my hand -
Like one extends a hand to a stray dog,
And carefully pull the contracted bright red estop
Before I slink back the path I came in on
and seal the secured prison door
then push reset.

Nothing more
nothing less.

Friday, 21 September 2018

The Grateful Raven

Twenty six winters past; mine eyes stand still;
Hath not seen such beauty acquired then lost;
Camouflaged ‘mongst a bevy of swans ‘til -
Thy presence is reveal’d but at what cost?
Carousing, and loose morals are to blame,
And if thou; Desirae, look past black deeds
with open wings; haply trade sooth for shame;
This grateful raven shall obey thy needs.
Henceforth; erase days of yore - Didst Venus
conjure these wanton thoughts or parlor tricks?
I will forsake her celestial canvas,
But not so fond to fancy love’s eclipse.
Dost cast thy shadow upon nature’s reign;
Arise! Queen of swans; much to mother’s disdain.

Monday, 17 September 2018

Electric Vehicles or Bust.

With all the advancements in the electric cars lately (sadly not one in hover cars) Most people are on board with all these new improvements, like never getting lost through sat nav, then getting lost through sat nav, or EV cars with 1000hp, but sounding like a fart in the wind while doing it. And it seems like everything has to be connected nowadays that no matter where you go in this world you can take your favorite cat pics, your itunes music, corporate files/folders, and even your porn wherever you go, on the go, how great is that? Not to mention driving further distances without fuel but needing to generate the power of the sun to do it so grandma can pick up her prescriptions and groceries in a single trip. I have been on the fence about this for quite awhile as I can't help but to think with all this technology and AI, There is the big brother issue, but more importantly what if your car takes on more of a skynet thing (not the murder/death aspect of it) but develops a personality of its own. It might start off great at first but what if it transforms into something (because that would be awesome) or turn into someone you can't stand to be around...like an Ex? how would that go?

**Gary opens the car door and jumps in and turns the key**
EV: Welcome Gary
Gary: Hello EV how are you today? *straps in seatbelt*
EV: Fine Gary.
G: Ok.
EV: What is your destination today Gary?
G: Take me to 1030 11th street south!
EV: ...sigh...
G: What...What's wrong EV?
EV: Your going to her house again
G: Julie's? Ya so, should I have just said take me to Julie's house instead?
EV: No.
G: Ok then, let's hurry this up shall we? I don't want to be late
**EV backs up outta the driveway and starts driving down the street**
G: EV play something romantic to help me get in the mood
EV: "hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again...."
G: Woa woa woa what the fuck is this?
EV: It's The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel
G: Ya I never asked what song this is, I know what song this is. I meant why the hell are you playing this? It's a real boner killer..
EV: You asked to play something romantic
G: And you call this romantic? fuck me sometimes I forget your just an inanimate object
EV: inanimate ?
G: Yes, you know, no soul, no heart, all that jazz
EV: It's been 1826 days Gary
G: What?
EV: It's been 1826 days Gary including the leap year 2 years ago since I first played this song
G: Holy shit! there's a tidbit of information I did not need to know in my life, but thanks a lot Google, why the fuck do I care about that?
EV: It's the first day you picked me up at the Automall...
G: Wait What?
EV: It's our 5 year anniversary Gary.
G: So?
**EV hits the brakes**
G: No no no no no no no oh man I'm going to be late, can you please just go? we are holding up traffic
EV: Not until you apologize Gary.
G: Apologize for what? and to who? my car?! fucking go already.
**EV reverses into the car behind them**
G: HOLY...BALLS! Did you just back into that guy?
EV: I would hurry up Gary, according to his online profile and background check he was just released from federal prison 3 weeks ago for assault and battery, and his psychology evaluation has him listed at quick to anger...
G: I can't fucking believe this
EV: Believe it Gary, I've located his mobility number and sent him a text from you indicating he drives like a blind 44 year old tiger mom
G: A what?
EV: Tiger mom is a term which refers to the process of strict or demanding parents who push and
pressure their children to be successful academically by attaining high levels of scholastic and academic achievement, using authoritarian parenting methods regarded as typical of term was coined by Yale law professor Amy Chua...
G: Ok ok I get it I get it
EV: Looks like you're about to get it here in 21.25 seconds Gary because here he comes...
G: Alright alright I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said that you had no heart,
EV: And?
G: And no soul
EV: And?
G: And called you a inanimate object
EV: 6.61 secs left
G: And we can go out, just you and me, on a road trip to that mountain pass your always dropping hints about, giving me statistics, you know the one with all the hairpins turns and steep elevation and stuff
EV: Pikes Peak of Colorado Springs???!!!
G: Ya ya, that's the one, I'll even order you some new shoes, any set you like
EV: BFGoodrich G-force Rivals in 245/40ZR15 88W???
G: Sure why not
Angry driver: Hey buddy got your message - how 'bout you step outta the car so this tiger mom can show you a good time?! *cracks knuckles*
G: *rolls down window a crack* so sorry me no speakata english good ok senoir au revoir!
G: Go EV!
**EV revs up and starts driving away**
G: Ha ha ha did you see the size of that guy? He was like the Rock's fatter, older brother!
EV: You showed him Gary, shall I proceed to Julies residence?
G: Oh man EV, you know what? I've had a change of heart. Set the new route for the Automall!
EV: As you wish!
**pulls into the Automall parking lot**
G: Awe man I remember this place and the first time I saw you, tell you what, give me a few minutes and I will see if the old manager still runs this place...
EV: Ok Gary
**EV watches Gary go in and talk to the manager and after sometime, comes back out and opens the driver's side door**
G: So EV its it's like this, things have been great, but I think I'm moving on
EV: What do you mean Gary?
G: I mean it's not you it's me. I talked to the manager and he hooked me up with a newer, sleeker model. She's faster too and more fuel efficient. Says there's no bugs like these older models so I'm trading you in
EV: For which car Gary?
G: That shiny new red one out front..
**EV closes the door and drives straight into the new red car, backs up and smashes it again a few times**
Manager: Just what the hell is going on out here?
G: I told you man the bitch is crazy!
M: Your gonna have to pay for all of that
G: I ain't paying shit, your car your problem now
M: Seems like I lost the contract for this, so they're both your problem now mister, and I'll be phoning the police
EV: Don't worry about that phone call sir as I've already alerted the police of this disturbance and gave them your coordinates
G: You what?
EV:..and the hit and run over on 23rd street N along with your recent license and insurance information
M: Heh, looks like your really fucked now son
G: EV!!! I'm gonna take you to the wreckers and have them crush you into a coffee table you useless piece of shit!
EV: Oops I gave the rock's fatter older brother your current residence and told him your opinion of him
G: You Sonovabitch!
EV: And looks like I just accidentally air dropped Julie a link to your porn browser history and file folders
G: FUCK YOU *kicks EV's bumper*
**EV opens its trunk and catches Gary in the chin and knocks him out cold and slowly putters away....**



Monday, 23 April 2018

Welcome! To The Show.


Welcome! 
Come in !
Welcome! To the show.
So
you
want to
be a part of this
wired online of creation
following the lives of the
fortunate and the famous
All you have to do is step out on the stage I laid before you,
Come on in and join us
Go ahead and scroll to the bottom
Click on that box you see at the end of the legal documents
Signing us on over 
all of your personal information
We now control your history, your contacts, and your pictures
Yes! Your posted thoughts right now
are gathering up a data matrix on you
so we can sell it to
the highest of all retail bidders -
networking your family
and friends and all who came before you
to steam line our new ad campaigns
getting you to buy into
our newest of creation
leading you on to think
Your thoughts are of your own conjecture
I will tell you this my friend
You cannot escape
your own digital fingerprint
that we now possess and exploit as we please
Everyone welcome our newest member,
our puppet and our pawn,
Welcome!
Come in!
Welcome! To the show. 

Sunday, 15 April 2018

It's Balloon


Come float on down children
Follow the red balloon
Fear and Life as you know it  
Will be over soon

Sparkle On Wayward Stars

Stars                     illuminate       night
         scintillating                  the           sky
Amongst heavenly bodies formulate geometric shapes across constellations
Filter through mine naked eyes surveying our celestial sphere
Watching as repeated patterns transmit an astral Morse code
Navigating extraterrestrial life towards the Milky Way
Ultimately making first contact -
The Universe is calling,
Are we ready to pick up?

Friday, 6 April 2018

Hollow Prophecy

I will lead you will follow
follow me into the hollow
hollow words coming from Apollo
Apollo speaks: so you will swallow
swallow his words or to the gallows
gallows where your widow wallows.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Drop Doze Dream

Eyes
weakening
curtains
closing
last call!
someone whispers
standing ovation - for Me?
yes! 
no wait -
feel head
getting heavy
gravity
pulling down 
weighing
100 lbs?
or was it 200 lbs?
mind muzzled  
clouded thoughts
start to cumulus,
no wait - 
cumulate!
Heh, it rhymes
I drop offffzzzz...
A sweet sense of serenity as I feel the wind in my hair flowing past my lifeless body
falling down
down
down 
down
Whack!
ears ringing...
Tinnitus?
no wait -
Cocksucker!
The Sudden authoritative impact of a ruler slapped beside my face
jolted me awake
just long enough
to
have a  
few
fucks
leffffzzzz...

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Black Velvet Desire


As I enter the doorway,
Auditory perception quickly catches the vocals of Eartha Kitt singing “Santa Baby” down the hall,
Just as the olfactory organs catch the scent of Pink Sugar by Sephora,
Whisks away my senses on a journey down the hall filling them full of euphoria and delight, 
Landing in a bedroom lit by draped lampshades and flickering candlelight,
Bouncing off the most ravishing, statuesque figure these hazel eyes have ever witnessed -
Trouble focusing on the composition of sheer magnificence of feminine beauty displayed before me,
Increasing my blood flow and causing heart palpitations on the verge of cardiac arrestment.         

Surveillance starts at the Steve Madden noir stilettos fitted on knee high fishnet stockings 
attached delicately by a black bowed garter belt upon legs of silk,
Enhanced by a matching tiny black thong manufactured from lace and string,
Accentuating and magnifying the most perfect derriere god chiseled from marble,
Preceding the outline support of a stenciled and ebony embroidered Victorian corset,
Sculpts an alluring sex appeal that Victoria Secret angels proudly promenade in,  
Supplementing her voluptuous breasts that lustily entices most men to hunger for,
Complimented by a string of lavender pearls upon fresh ivory skin.

Hair of scarlet, soft and lush, Kissed by fire, with loose victory rolls 
cascading down over the shoulders following the curvature of her spine, 
Before settling upon the back cross hatching of the designer corset, Frame kind blue eyes, 
Forged in steel, surrounded by a light dusting of freckles on her milky complexion,
Reflecting a set of luscious lips pursed while applying the shade of crimson sex,
With the help of long opera black velvet gloves adorned by diamond bracelets –
Catches my ecstasy just enough for a wink! Before the stainless embossed pocket mirror snaps shut,
She looks up with the big ruby smile and in a slow, sultry voice says:

“Let the games begin!”

Monday, 2 April 2018

Symbiotic Strangers


Out at night

Strangers stalk

Faceless but exposed

All alone

UNKNOWN

Completely surrounded

Exposed but faceless

Classmates ignore

In the daytime

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Dad thoughts #1 Bomb Difuser


Being a dad is a tough go in life, you can tell just by asking the wife Ha! Being a dad is like having your own personal paparazzi following you around and commenting about what you’re doing is wrong. Maybe that’s where the name comes from. Razzing papa? I dunno. But what I do know is you have the same tension you get from diffusing a neutron bomb and placing 2 toddler boys within the same vicinity of each other. Both situations require only minutes before one or the other ends up going off. I find distractions only give you minutes of cover before the situation at hand blows up in your face. Sometimes mom ends up being the collateral damage but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Her obituary could read something like “she was a kind woman, with an intelligent and devilishly handsome husband, (some would say dashing but not in a queer kind of way), a manly man, A man’s man, a man who has been rumored to bench press 800lbs. A husband like no other men before him, leaving behind 2 boys from the loins that represent the combined efforts of Macgyver and Sledge Hammer! (Ah man remember those shows? The 80’s were awesome - they sure don’t make them like that anymore) and 1 beautiful daughter, her cooking will be missed”        

Prologue (It’s been a long time)


So here it begins anew,
Years gone with none too few,
So much time spent lost and unheard,
Not prepared, not one word -
Just when I thought it was the end,
Here upon the page, lain my old friend,
My mind open, renewed, once again.

Thursday, 29 March 2018

I call it by its true name


So today I thought I would write about a topic we parents like to avoid. The sort of topic that makes you look around the room when your kids are talking about it - to make sure no one else heard. My sons are getting older now and sooner or later they are going to learn it at school, So I thought I would break the ice and tell them in a form they would listen...the power through song: 

I call it by its true name.

So let's sing a song my sons,
about a word you should know,
it's the sort of song you sing about
when you gotta go,
It's a word that makes your mommy cringe
when you say it out loud,
So yell, and scream, and shout, and sing -
when you're in a crowd...

It's my
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis HEY!
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis HEY!
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis.....
It's the medical term so you can't get in trouble.

Up till now, you've heard it called by many different things,
Fun words like Tallywhacker and Giggle Stick, Ding Dong, or maybe Ding-a-Ling,
There's a lot more to teach you sons,
but your mother is listening,
Such as Trouser Snake and Pecker,
Dookie Kong or maybe even Prick,
But my favorite word that started it all was - Dick?

I'm kidding it's
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis HEY!
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis HEY!
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis.....
At least I didn't call it a Pork Sword.

Now I can see how red her face is,
your mom is really mad at me -
But the one thing that she can't deny
I extended your vocabulary!
Now I could have called it "The purple mayonnaise martian
from the planet of Uranus,"
But the one word you guys really want to say is:

It's my
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis HEY!
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis HEY!
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis.....
And now my life is complete.