Monday 26 September 2022

A Massive Undertaking

Death. It can’t be avoided. Everyone’s done it. Einstein, Elvis, that guy that cut you off today on the highway, he’s a goner too (ok not today but who knows? Maybe he drove off a cliff) even that guy that’s looking at you right now, What’s his name? Steve? Duane? No Matter. They’re only one high energy drink and prescription Tylenol away from kicking the bucket. So, we might as well prepare for it no? Still a weird concept. I dunno. There’s still plenty more for me to see or do before I go. If I don’t die by someone’s hand (legal or immoral) then I’m pretty sure its by my own curiosity or terrible dumb luck. Like those rabbits that lived under our chicken coop that have now disappeared. Me. Compared to a rabbit. Not a Rabbi, that would be crazy! It would take on a massive undertaking, not undertaker, I can’t be my own undertaker, can I? If I dug my own hole, took some pills and rolled myself in does that count? Or does that make me a holy roller? Sounds legit. Let’s go with that. Anyways, What I’m trying to say is if I were to die tomorrow, there would be three things I would want:

#1 Would be “Bro Hymn” by Pennywise to be played at the funeral (Not bro hymn tribute, yes there is a difference lol)

#2 Strippers and a Bouncy castle. Because? Fuck it - The funeral is not for me anyways and who can be sad when you have strippers and a bouncy castle? That’s right. No one.

#3 On my tombstone, I want it to say: Avenge Me! and my birthdate–? so “Jan.11.1980-?” and nothing else.

That way

It will be this huge mystery

If anyone who sees my grave

They will have nothing but questions

What happened to him?

Who wronged him?

No picture?

Where's the end date? Has he Risen?

Was it Jesus?

Was Jesus here and we missed it?!

Who was this man? 

What can we do?

They start by searching Google

Find Nothing

Throw the question out onto reddit

Gets 10k upvotes

Starts a Subreddit

Creates a cult following

Band of kids get together

Like a Scooby Doo investigation

Start trending on Twitter

They catch the local ghost that was terrorizing the old train station

It was old man Mcginty and he would have gotten away with it

If it weren't for those pesky kids 

But knows nothing about my grave.

People pour in from around the world

To come say their vigils

Their pilgrimage blocks the traffic for miles

But it brings in millions of dollars to the community

A GoFundMe page gets created for those “that had no voice”

Prime minister catches wind

From all the public publicity

Names a holiday after me

I become a local Canadian hero

Teenagers celebrate by getting drunk/high and having sex on my grave

Doesn’t sound like a bad idea now does it?!