Death. It can’t be avoided. Everyone’s done it. Einstein, Elvis, that guy that cut you off today on the highway, he’s a goner too (ok not today but who knows? Maybe he drove off a cliff) even that guy that’s looking at you right now, What’s his name? Steve? Duane? No Matter. They’re only one high energy drink and prescription Tylenol away from kicking the bucket. So, we might as well prepare for it no? Still a weird concept. I dunno. There’s still plenty more for me to see or do before I go. If I don’t die by someone’s hand (legal or immoral) then I’m pretty sure its by my own curiosity or terrible dumb luck. Like those rabbits that lived under our chicken coop that have now disappeared. Me. Compared to a rabbit. Not a Rabbi, that would be crazy! It would take on a massive undertaking, not undertaker, I can’t be my own undertaker, can I? If I dug my own hole, took some pills and rolled myself in does that count? Or does that make me a holy roller? Sounds legit. Let’s go with that. Anyways, What I’m trying to say is if I were to die tomorrow, there would be three things I would want:
#1 Would be “Bro Hymn” by Pennywise to be played
at the funeral (Not bro hymn tribute, yes there is a difference lol)
#2 Strippers and a Bouncy castle. Because? Fuck
it - The funeral is not for me anyways and who can be sad when you have strippers
and a bouncy castle? That’s right. No one.
#3 On my tombstone, I want it to say: Avenge
Me! and my birthdate–? so “Jan.11.1980-?” and nothing else.
That way
It will be this huge mystery
If anyone who sees my grave
They will have nothing but questions
What happened to him?
Who wronged him?
No picture?
Where's the end date? Has he Risen?
Was it Jesus?
Was Jesus here and we missed it?!
Who was this man?
What can we do?
They start by searching Google
Find Nothing
Throw the question out onto reddit
Gets 10k upvotes
Starts a Subreddit
Creates a cult following
Band of kids get together
Like a Scooby Doo investigation
Start trending on Twitter
They catch the local ghost that was terrorizing the old train station
It was old man Mcginty and he would have gotten away with it
If it weren't for those pesky kids
But knows nothing about my grave.
People pour in from around the world
To come say their vigils
Their pilgrimage blocks the traffic for
miles
But it brings in millions of dollars to the
community
A GoFundMe page gets created for those “that
had no voice”
Prime minister catches wind
From all the public publicity
Names a holiday after me
I become a local Canadian hero
Teenagers celebrate by getting drunk/high
and having sex on my grave
Doesn’t sound like a bad idea now does it?!