Your Grandmother's Fan of Sadness

Ever wonder how pathetic your life has been up to this point, and that you have no imagination or couldn't be bothered to look online to find out there's literally 50k better and more modern contemporary fans made in the past 50 years than this one. But you saw this beauty one day in home Depot and thought "that's it, that's the one fan I've been missing out on my whole life, the one the misses would love me to bring home and hang in our dining room" so you can share the boring side of your personality turned  upside-down at 3 speeds of sadness, sipping your club sodas and talking about subjects that would make any woman dry up like the Sahara, all the while making you so soft a can of red bull and a whole pack of Cialis couldn't erect the 3/4" manila rope you should of bought instead down aisle 12 Bay 021 back at home Depot to hang yourself with instead of coming home with this brass monstrosity that makes the neighbor kids cry every time they come over because they live next to such a fucking loser. All 8 of them. Because they never heard of birth control and the rhythm method isn't working for Carol cause looking at her makes her pregnant. So go tell your neighbor to buy some condoms and then come over here and buy this fan or you buy it... Pussy, I dare you. 😏

Brain Donors

Never in my life had I ever thought to become a surgeon. Let alone a brain surgeon. Party Dano of the late 90's/early 2000's wouldn't never even once had this thought due to barely passing his Electrical/CIT/General studies courses, and especially after getting on the Deans list in University...albeit not the good one. He was more focused on having a good time, drinking, partying with friends and trying to woo women that more schooling wasn't even on his radar. Not even a little bit. Because you see Party Dano didn't care about future Dano and why should he? That was for future Dano to worry about. Back then it didn't take much for party Dano to come out - the school bell, the work bell, taco bell quickly brought out party Dano as fast as taking the first sip of booze so it was easy to slip into party Dano at any point back then, and who could blame him? Me. Future Dano that's who lol. That's right. The same future Dano that ended up getting three tickets after getting some priorities in order. The same future Dano that thinks maybe I should have just went for it - Got my Phd in something. Knowing now that I would have found out some way to make it work and would be writing this blog on my mega yaht instead of on my coffee break in this factory that I work at..like a chump. Thanks Party Dano. Weird Part is...I love that guy and I wouldn't trade those memories he made for the world. But part of me wonders what would have happened if Party Dano and future Dano coexisted for a future goal? What would have have happened if I graduated as a Doctor or even...a Surgeon? I know I wouldn't be top of the class (Lets be realistic) I'd be lucky not to be the bottom of the graduating pile lol Not everybody can be number one, But it makes me wonder, how would my day to day go at work if they had? How far would I have gotten?

Brain Surgeon: What is this? No no no no no no no! Dano get over here, where the hell...where is he? Dano!

Dano: Eh...What's up Doc? Lol

BS: I've told you before please refer to me by my professional name

D: Ok. What's up Dr. Dick?

DrD: That's not correct.

D: No, that's correct. Pretty sure your name is Richard, I saw it written on your golf shirt when you came in.   

DrD: Ugh. You may refer to me by professional name of Dr. Heins.

D: You got it Ketchup. 

Drd: That's Heins not.. you know what we wasted enough time on this come here and take a look at her X-ray.

D: What are we looking at here Doctor?

DrD: The patients X-ray, shows 8 vessels in need of repairing. 

D: Ok.

DrD: You mentioned she needed three. Three repaired. Not eight.

D: I took a stab in the dark. Sorry Dick. 

DrD: It's Rich-what do you mean took a stab in the dark?

D: I...I can't read. 

DrD: at all? that's obvious.

D: No Dick, I can, just not X-rays, you see, I have no clue what to look for, They said we would learn that out in the field and yet here we are...

DrD: I shall now reiterate my previous claim...to you inability...based upon the fact...you could of just read the lab notes at the bottom of the FUCKING XRAY!

D: Jeeze Doc, earmuffs *places hands of the patients ears* we have a lady present 

DrD: she is under local ANESTHESIA!

D: Not her doc, the other one *nudges head in opposite direction*

DrD: Ah, finally Nurse Butters, please get the instruments ready, I'm about to start the incision  

Nurse Butters: Yes Dr. Heins.

Dano: I don't know about you two, but seeing you two crazy condiments together is making me hungry 

DrD: I will require absolute silence as I work, Nurse Butters on left, Dano you can observe on the right.

Dano: Aye Aye captain 57!

NB: *smirks

DrD:*shoots Dano a dagger of stare*

DrD: Oh and Dano, please put on the radio to 92.3 FM as I love to listen to a symphony as I work

Dano: *walks over to the radio, flips the switch and turns the dial 11 and starts mouthing the words while doing the air guitar* 

D:EXIT LIGHT! ENTER NIGHT! Take my hand, We're off to never-never land

DrD: What in God's good Name is this unbearable sound?!

Dano: *screaming* IT'S METALLICA

DrD: WHHHHAT?! TURN IF OFF!!! 

Dano: *Turns the volume knob down* Oh sorry Doc, I said Metallica, Its Enter Sandman everyone knows that ain't that right nurse Butters?

NB: Yes, he's right

DrD: Yes of coarse I know he's right 

Dano: Thank you

DrD: I Mean why was it playing on my symphony station and at max volume

Dano: Because I like 92.1 Rock better. And it was one more than ten.

DrD: What?

Dano: 11. Its one more louder isn't it? 

DrD: I'm done talking to you. Just set it to the station I have requested at low volume

Dano: But it-s

DrD: No Buts! 

Dano: I'm sure nurse Butters would disagree with you

NB: *smirks*

DrD: Don't answer that - Don't answer him. I want complete silence so I can concen-

Dano: But you said you wanted the radio station on....

DrD: Silence! You know what, no music, leave it off, I shall make the incisons...in complete...and utter silence.

D: You got it Doc *wink*

DrD: *grumbles*

D: Sorry doc didn't hear what you sai-

DrD: I said SILENCE!

D:*Smiles at nurse Butters*

DrD: *Starts making the incisions and opens up the scalp to reveal the brain, slowly he hears the sound of loud chewing coming from his right side and slowly turns his head and in general disbelief mentions DrD:Is that...a sandwich?!!!

D: yeah, tuna fish sandwich, you want some?

DrD: No.

D: Ok, your loss Doc.

DrD: No I mean why is it..here.

D: Oh, I was hungry.

DrD: No I mean why is it here...In the operating room.

D: Are you sure your not the one that needs surgery doc? I just said I was I hungry  *rolls eyes*

DrD: You can't have food in the operating room.

D: Why not? Don't worry I'm almost done anyways...

Drd: I have her cerebellum exposed and LOOK! You just dropped some crumbs on it!

D:  Don't worry I'll just blow it off...

DrD: Nooooo! 

D: PFFFFFFF!!!

DrD: WHAT THE FUCK DANO! Now there's crumbs...EVERYWHERE!!! 

D:Ya I probably shouldn't have blown with food in my mouth still

DrD: It's a....It's a...a  FUCKING Disaster! 

D: Don't worry I got it Doc *Flicks the bread crumb hits the brain* patients arm reaches up and punches Dr. Hein in the face*

D:Oh my god did you see that Butters?! I couldn't have planned it if I tried!!! one in a million shot!

DrD: GOD DAMN YOU DANO get ouuuut....get....OUTTTTT!!!! *Holding his chin*

D: Ya...your probably right doc cause your definitely getting sued over this....not me though - I kinda feel like the whole teacher / student thing we got here didn't really vibe well or work out in the patients best interest sooooo.....

DrD: GETTTT THE FUCKKKK OUTTT!!! 

DrD:*Throws utensil tray at the door as Dano exits the operating room laughing*

On Second thought, Maybe it would have been a waste of my time...lol

A Massive Undertaking

Death. It can’t be avoided. Everyone’s done it. Einstein, Elvis, that guy that cut you off today on the highway, he’s a goner too (ok not today but who knows? Maybe he drove off a cliff) even that guy that’s looking at you right now, What’s his name? Steve? Duane? No Matter. They’re only one high energy drink and prescription Tylenol away from kicking the bucket. So, we might as well prepare for it no? Still a weird concept. I dunno. There’s still plenty more for me to see or do before I go. If I don’t die by someone’s hand (legal or immoral) then I’m pretty sure its by my own curiosity or terrible dumb luck. Like those rabbits that lived under our chicken coop that have now disappeared. Me. Compared to a rabbit. Not a Rabbi, that would be crazy! It would take on a massive undertaking, not undertaker, I can’t be my own undertaker, can I? If I dug my own hole, took some pills and rolled myself in does that count? Or does that make me a holy roller? Sounds legit. Let’s go with that. Anyways, What I’m trying to say is if I were to die tomorrow, there would be three things I would want:

#1 Would be “Bro Hymn” by Pennywise to be played at the funeral (Not bro hymn tribute, yes there is a difference lol)

#2 Strippers and a Bouncy castle. Because? Fuck it - The funeral is not for me anyways and who can be sad when you have strippers and a bouncy castle? That’s right. No one.

#3 On my tombstone, I want it to say: Avenge Me! and my birthdate–? so “Jan.11.1980-?” and nothing else.

That way

It will be this huge mystery

If anyone who sees my grave

They will have nothing but questions

What happened to him?

Who wronged him?

No picture?

Where's the end date? Has he Risen?

Was it Jesus?

Was Jesus here and we missed it?!

Who was this man? 

What can we do?

They start by searching Google

Find Nothing

Throw the question out onto reddit

Gets 10k upvotes

Starts a Subreddit

Creates a cult following

Band of kids get together

Like a Scooby Doo investigation

Start trending on Twitter

They catch the local ghost that was terrorizing the old train station

It was old man Mcginty and he would have gotten away with it

If it weren't for those pesky kids 

But knows nothing about my grave.

People pour in from around the world

To come say their vigils

Their pilgrimage blocks the traffic for miles

But it brings in millions of dollars to the community

A GoFundMe page gets created for those “that had no voice”

Prime minister catches wind

From all the public publicity

Names a holiday after me

I become a local Canadian hero

Teenagers celebrate by getting drunk/high and having sex on my grave

Doesn’t sound like a bad idea now does it?!

Coke Addict

 My response to addicts trying to quit:

The real addiction here is Coke. I love it. You love it. Your aunt Carole loves it. Who knew battery acid could taste so good?! I didn't! I can even use it to clean my tools! It's amazeballs! Have you tried it? It's like 10 herculean men picking you up, then body slamming your senses. And it used to contain real cocaine! How is this shit not flying off the shelves? Drink it. Love it. Accept your failed attempts to kick anything because this shit kicks back! In the junk! It's like a god-damned midget punching you in the groin telling you to get up! There's a world out there. No need to cry. Are you crying? Grab a Coke and feel the gut punch of yesterday today. It's Thursday for fuck's sake. Your late for work! Grab a coke and run your ass to work - Because this can has more calories than that McDonald's breakfast that you had to have two of. It's like a rocket in your pants! You can travel time! Fucking Time Travel! And still selling around 40 cents a can! That's cheaper than a stalk of celery. And who eats celery?! That's right no one. So open up a can time traveler and enjoy a Coke. *Not paid or endorsed by Coke and if I was I'd fucking rule time! Like riding dinosaurs and shit! Doesn't that sound Awesome? Because it. IS. Coke. Drink it.* 

Holy Roller

            It’s a funny thing sometimes how we wind up in the job or careers that we end up doing. Some people were born with a knowledge of what they want to do for a living - Like it was a gift from God himself who hath so provideth them this knowledge, A divine right. And for that, I have always envied those people as I have not (still not) or have ever been truly sure of what I was meant to do with this time occupied on Earth. I for one got into the trades because I was smart enough to realize that I needed something to build towards (even if I was unsure what that was) but still allowed me to enjoy my hobbies at the time of drinking till dawn with friends and chasing women. Some look to their parents for advice and end up following in their footsteps. I tried that. Getting kicked out of university ended my chances of doing what my father wanted me to as it interfered with my two favorite hobbies. Twenty years pass and three tickets later I have concluded: If I had the chance to do it all again, I would have been a lawyer…or a gynecologist. But one thing I knew for sure, was that I would not, could not, be what my mom wanted me to be: A priest. Yet I couldn’t help myself from wondering, what would it have been like had I did? I think it would probably go something like this:

First, I would like to start off by saying that I’d be terrible. Just the worst.

Probably the worst priest on Earth for vey different reasons.

All the Kids would be safe.

But not their moms…

Or grieving widows…

Tell the best priest jokes

Use terrible church puns

Cursing while giving sermons

Due to drinking all the holy wine

Getting drunk on holy wine

Running out of wine

Then turning water into wine

Start selling it on the side

Labeling it “Gifts from God”

Giving each bottle my blessing

Make a side profit

Pocket said side profit

Call it a “church donation”

Get idea to steal church donations

Confess my sins

To myself

Do it again

Make more profit

Decide to do confessions

Blackmail people from confession

Receive more “donations”

Ignore taxes because of church loophole

Spend said donations on hookers and blow

Confess my sins again

Relieve myself…

In the baptismal font

Decide to legalize cocaine through the church through another loophole

Become a priest kingpin

Setup community drug dealers

Call them my “disciples”

Get prostitution accepted among the masses

Confessionals now used for double duties

More donations

Launder money through church bingos and bake sales

Bribe high ranking officials, police, and politicians

Groom an army of followers

Break away from Catholicism

Create my own religion

Build church brothels in every city on Earth

Bring back polygamy and Prima Nocta

Achieve God like status

Take up smoking because…fuck it

Buy really big pointy hats

LOL

Looking at it all now I couldn’t become a priest,

the path in front of me is just too big 😉