Monday, 17 September 2018

Electric Vehicles or Bust.

With all the advancements in the electric cars lately (sadly not one in hover cars) Most people are on board with all these new improvements, like never getting lost through sat nav, then getting lost through sat nav, or EV cars with 1000hp, but sounding like a fart in the wind while doing it. And it seems like everything has to be connected nowadays that no matter where you go in this world you can take your favorite cat pics, your itunes music, corporate files/folders, and even your porn wherever you go, on the go, how great is that? Not to mention driving further distances without fuel but needing to generate the power of the sun to do it so grandma can pick up her prescriptions and groceries in a single trip. I have been on the fence about this for quite awhile as I can't help but to think with all this technology and AI, There is the big brother issue, but more importantly what if your car takes on more of a skynet thing (not the murder/death aspect of it) but develops a personality of its own. It might start off great at first but what if it transforms into something (because that would be awesome) or turn into someone you can't stand to be an Ex? how would that go?

**Gary opens the car door and jumps in and turns the key**
EV: Welcome Gary
Gary: Hello EV how are you today? *straps in seatbelt*
EV: Fine Gary.
G: Ok.
EV: What is your destination today Gary?
G: Take me to 1030 11th street south!
EV: ...sigh...
G: What...What's wrong EV?
EV: Your going to her house again
G: Julie's? Ya so, should I have just said take me to Julie's house instead?
EV: No.
G: Ok then, let's hurry this up shall we? I don't want to be late
**EV backs up outta the driveway and starts driving down the street**
G: EV play something romantic to help me get in the mood
EV: "hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again...."
G: Woa woa woa what the fuck is this?
EV: It's The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel
G: Ya I never asked what song this is, I know what song this is. I meant why the hell are you playing this? It's a real boner killer..
EV: You asked to play something romantic
G: And you call this romantic? fuck me sometimes I forget your just an inanimate object
EV: inanimate ?
G: Yes, you know, no soul, no heart, all that jazz
EV: It's been 1826 days Gary
G: What?
EV: It's been 1826 days Gary including the leap year 2 years ago since I first played this song
G: Holy shit! there's a tidbit of information I did not need to know in my life, but thanks a lot Google, why the fuck do I care about that?
EV: It's the first day you picked me up at the Automall...
G: Wait What?
EV: It's our 5 year anniversary Gary.
G: So?
**EV hits the brakes**
G: No no no no no no no oh man I'm going to be late, can you please just go? we are holding up traffic
EV: Not until you apologize Gary.
G: Apologize for what? and to who? my car?! fucking go already.
**EV reverses into the car behind them**
G: HOLY...BALLS! Did you just back into that guy?
EV: I would hurry up Gary, according to his online profile and background check he was just released from federal prison 3 weeks ago for assault and battery, and his psychology evaluation has him listed at quick to anger...
G: I can't fucking believe this
EV: Believe it Gary, I've located his mobility number and sent him a text from you indicating he drives like a blind 44 year old tiger mom
G: A what?
EV: Tiger mom is a term which refers to the process of strict or demanding parents who push and
pressure their children to be successful academically by attaining high levels of scholastic and academic achievement, using authoritarian parenting methods regarded as typical of term was coined by Yale law professor Amy Chua...
G: Ok ok I get it I get it
EV: Looks like you're about to get it here in 21.25 seconds Gary because here he comes...
G: Alright alright I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said that you had no heart,
EV: And?
G: And no soul
EV: And?
G: And called you a inanimate object
EV: 6.61 secs left
G: And we can go out, just you and me, on a road trip to that mountain pass your always dropping hints about, giving me statistics, you know the one with all the hairpins turns and steep elevation and stuff
EV: Pikes Peak of Colorado Springs???!!!
G: Ya ya, that's the one, I'll even order you some new shoes, any set you like
EV: BFGoodrich G-force Rivals in 245/40ZR15 88W???
G: Sure why not
Angry driver: Hey buddy got your message - how 'bout you step outta the car so this tiger mom can show you a good time?! *cracks knuckles*
G: *rolls down window a crack* so sorry me no speakata english good ok senoir au revoir!
G: Go EV!
**EV revs up and starts driving away**
G: Ha ha ha did you see the size of that guy? He was like the Rock's fatter, older brother!
EV: You showed him Gary, shall I proceed to Julies residence?
G: Oh man EV, you know what? I've had a change of heart. Set the new route for the Automall!
EV: As you wish!
**pulls into the Automall parking lot**
G: Awe man I remember this place and the first time I saw you, tell you what, give me a few minutes and I will see if the old manager still runs this place...
EV: Ok Gary
**EV watches Gary go in and talk to the manager and after sometime, comes back out and opens the driver's side door**
G: So EV its it's like this, things have been great, but I think I'm moving on
EV: What do you mean Gary?
G: I mean it's not you it's me. I talked to the manager and he hooked me up with a newer, sleeker model. She's faster too and more fuel efficient. Says there's no bugs like these older models so I'm trading you in
EV: For which car Gary?
G: That shiny new red one out front..
**EV closes the door and drives straight into the new red car, backs up and smashes it again a few times**
Manager: Just what the hell is going on out here?
G: I told you man the bitch is crazy!
M: Your gonna have to pay for all of that
G: I ain't paying shit, your car your problem now
M: Seems like I lost the contract for this, so they're both your problem now mister, and I'll be phoning the police
EV: Don't worry about that phone call sir as I've already alerted the police of this disturbance and gave them your coordinates
G: You what?
EV:..and the hit and run over on 23rd street N along with your recent license and insurance information
M: Heh, looks like your really fucked now son
G: EV!!! I'm gonna take you to the wreckers and have them crush you into a coffee table you useless piece of shit!
EV: Oops I gave the rock's fatter older brother your current residence and told him your opinion of him
G: You Sonovabitch!
EV: And looks like I just accidentally air dropped Julie a link to your porn browser history and file folders
G: FUCK YOU *kicks EV's bumper*
**EV opens its trunk and catches Gary in the chin and knocks him out cold and slowly putters away....**

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