Like all mornings
before work, I get up (barely lucid), grab a bowl, and dig into the trough of
Mini-Wheats set before me and graze along as I thumb through various emails,
videos and posts on my cell phone, sitting there like a big dumb jersey cow, wrapped
up in my Chewbacca housecoat, slack jawed in awe.
Big debate this
week, (as in all weeks on Facebook
Canada) should we change the national anthem to be gender neutral? Casually, my first reply is to douse my phone
in gasoline and let my fingers ignite the digital keyboard a glorious fireball
of epic proportions of swear words, pronouns and verses that would sent chills
upon Hades spine (or skin orgasms as I read this week) listening to my maniacal
laughter echoing off the walls of my kitchen. Jumping up and down, Dancing
naked around the table like a Zulu warrior, shouting at 6 am, only to have the
wife scream at me with a threat train of ungodly hostile actions to my body and
manhood, not due to what I was shouting at or for, but the fact that I may not
live to rue this day if the kids awake. And the fact with the blinds open, the
neighbors can see my three amigos awaken from their siesta for the quinceanera,
but without the party. Or the music. Or the girls. Just me and my Mariachi band
strumming out to desperado on the leftover tequila found in the freezer.
Unimpressed at this display, she mutters another equally terrifying death
threat that the band is going to be strung up and battered around like a piñata
if I don't get my shit together, comprende? I quickly and quietly wrap myself
again in my housecoat and silence bestows upon the Huneault household as the
bedroom door closes, she won this round.
That would be the
old Dan. Prenoon Dan. Afternoon Dan has had time to think. To ponder. To
reflect. I know now that the morning induced hatred was really just the first
stage of denial. I have an entire day to go through all seven stages before I
get to: Acceptance. This usually hits around home time and I have had something
to eat, and all morning threats have been lifted and forgotten. This Acceptance
has not only shed a new light on the subject but inspired me to rewrite our
national anthem. I know what you're thinking, "Hey Dan they just want to change just one word." And I get that. But next they would want to change
the word god too and get rid of that as well. Then what's next? Might as well just have
a non-sexist/non-religious/non-racist, politically correct (pussified) version
for today's society. So here it is:
O Canada! Where natives live tax free!
Home of basketball, lacrosse, and ice hockey.
French is our second language, and
We pronounce it Zed not Zee!
From BC to Newfie
O Canada, We love minorities!
Please don't invade our land, We have no army!
O USA, We give our oil for free.
O USA, We'll buy it back for a fee!
P.S. If they do change the word "God" in the
anthem, I think it should be the word "Please" It's just the Canadian
thing to do.
