Friday, 3 January 2014

Weather or not.

Weather. Love it or hate it, it’ll always be a part of us. We can’t avoid it even if we wanted to. Sunny and plus 20 one day,  then slowly throughout the night, winter creeps into our lives (uninvitingly I might add) and robs us of our morning  sunshine with freezing wind, frost on the windshields, icy roads  and 6 or more inches  of snow. It’s just like that damn raccoon that slinks into my yard at night, busting open my garbage for a free meal, and then proceeds to spread our family’s disposable contents across the lawn as if to leave some kind of message (particularly to the family dog). Seems to be working too, I have never seen Rocco so terrified of something in his entire life.  One particular reason I got the dog was to stop the neighbor’s cat leaving fresh presents on my fresh cut lawn in the mornings. Being higher up in the food chain I thought that by getting a dog I would be one upping nature. It seems I have been played the fool, for nature saw my king high and raised me with an ace. I could have only imagined what nature would have had in store for me if I had been allowed to raise that cougar that I always wanted. No matter. It’s just nature’s way of letting you know whose boss. And she seems to be throwing her weight around the world these past few years - Fires, Floods, Hurricanes, Tidal waves, Rabid wildlife creatures, Bird flu, Syphilis, Sharknado’s, it’s all been a big pain in humanity’s ass and were left with the aftermath to pick up the pieces.  I’ve noticed that she’s been especially cruel to those countries that don’t have much to begin with and are in need of some kind of relief funds.  Being in a first world country the help relies on us to extend a hand, but I can’t help wonder what if the tables have turned on us?  Would we get the same treatment?

1st World Countries:  So a flood broke out.

Rest of the World: Uh huh.

1st: And it did a lot of damage.

ROW: Ya.

1st:  So we were wondering…


1st: Well…we would really like some money to help us out with that…?

ROW: Huh?

ROW: Oh. You mean us?

1st: Ya.

ROW: Sorry. We got none for you.

1st: Well that’s funny.

ROW: What’s funny?

1ST: Remember all those times we gave you all that money?

ROW: Nope.

1ST: For those disasters…

ROW: Which one?

1ST: All of them?

ROW: Not a clue.

1ST: What do you mean NOT A CLUE?

ROW: Weren’t those charitable donations?

1ST: Uh…Well you see it’s kinda like this.

ROW: Like what?

1ST: Well we were doing it in the sense like - If I scratch your back…

ROW: Uh huh.

1ST: You scratch ours.

ROW: Oh I see. So none of which you gave us was out of the kindness of your heart?

1ST: Well not all of it.

ROW: So just some of it then.

1ST: Well it was supposed to be a “donation.”

ROW: Well we took your “donation” and used it to feed our people. And build makeshift hospitals and houses for those that were destroyed in the disaster.

1st: Yaaa...So out of fairness we would now like some of that back.

Row: Like an Indian giver.

1st: Like what?

ROW: You know, A Indian giver, someone who gives you something then takes it back.

1st: Huh? How do you know this?  Isn’t most of your population illiterate?

ROW: I dunno. You tell me. You built our schools.

1st: Sons of bitches! You do admit to using our funds for something other than relief.

ROW: Well…

1st: Well what?

ROW: You gave it to us.

1st: Out of charity.

ROW: And we thank you.

1st: Grrrrr…All were asking for is a little relief money to get by that’s all.

ROW: Isn’t your countries the countries were money comes from?

1st: Well our money.

ROW: So print more of it.

1st: It doesn’t work like that.

ROW: What do you mean?

1st: Agghhh. Fuck. Because of trading, and stocks, and debt, and shit.

ROW: Easy big guy…

1st: Well quit dicking us around and give us some money so we can fix this.

ROW: No.

1st: Please?

ROW: We’d like to,

1st: Uh boy.

ROW: But um you see it’s like this…

1st: Here we go.

ROW: We owe all of these other countries…

1st: Uh huh.

ROW: And the wives have been up working late to help with the bills…

1st: Ok.

ROW: And the rent was due like yesterday…

1st: Ya.

ROW: And you see… we... just... don’t... want... to?

1st: Don’t want to?

ROW: Yaaa...

1st: That’s your story?

ROW: Um sure.

1st: Well fine, fuck you then. See if we ever help you guys out with your fucking tsunami’s, and build your stupid mud huts and fix your fucking bicycles, and your gay straw hats and precious motor less fishing boats, it’s the fucking 21st century for fuck sakes, get a fucking clue, or job or stop building on the side of a fucking cliff using palm tree leaves, or shit. Fuck.

ROW: You ok there big guy?

1st: ……

ROW: Would you like a soda?

1st: Piss off.

ROW: Would you like to tell us what’s bothering you?

1st: No. You know why.

ROW: Com’on…

1st: No.

ROW: Feeling better?

1st: ….…I’m ok.

ROW: Would you like an ice cream bar?

1st: Sure. I’d love an ice cream bar. If you give us 50 million dollars I’ll go buy one.

ROW: Nice try.

1st: Fine. Maybe next time we might just fix your country by blowing it up. Like a clean slate.

ROW: Fine. Then maybe we will just stop building your toys, cars, and any devices you happen to use in you’re little greedy money grubbing daily life.

1st: Fine. Maybe we will do that then.

ROW: Fine. Maybe we will.

1st: Well ok then.

ROW: Well ok, be that way.

1st: We will. Enjoy your barren land with your communist run government of HIV populated, uneducated, Low mortality rated, weaponless, pathetic society of underfed, lazy, toothless, farmers.

ROW: We will. Enjoy Justin Bieber fags.

1st: Ohhhhhh... Fucking hate those guys oh so... so much right now.

ROW: HA ha!


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